What a long, strange and tortuous colon it's been...

So yesterday I had my first colonoscopy, just to rule out anything that may have been contributing to my "plumbing malfunctions"....

I really thought Dr. Weber would walk in and tell me, during my anesthesia-induced stupor that :

"Observia, everything looks normal. You are under an enormous amount of stress, and that's mainly what is causing your pipes to clog up. Blah blah blah, you need to relax, drink more, kill yourself, blow up some steam, and that should take care of it".

But it went more like this:

Dr. W.: "Observia, you have what we call a long and tortuous colon."

Me: "Come again?"

Dr. W.: " Your colon is about 2 feet longer than a normal colon, and due to its extreme length, instead of assuming the normal colon morphology, it twists and turns on itself, to be able to fit inside of you. That means that your bolus has an extra 2 feet of distance to travel, as well as a decrease in speed everytime it reaches one of the twists".

Oy vey. I couldn't have an extra 7-8 inches added to my height, or a few extra points on my I.Q. Oh No! It had to be more colon than I know what to do with.

It's not even as if it's a 3rd kidney, or an extra liver, something I could donate and feel good about myself for. Nobody I know is on the transplant list for more colon.

So add a long and tortuous colon to my already existing hemi-vertebrae, complete with scoliosis and extra rib, and what does that make me? Part alien? The next evolutionary step to a sub-species that will become really, really tall to accomodate the extra gastro-intestinal "tubege"?

Attached is a schematic of a normal colon, and a long and tortuous one, or as I like to call it, the Homo sapiens observius colon....